This seriously sums it up.
Things I Hate About Gay Pride Day
I should start by saying that Homosexual Gay Pride Day is my favorite day of the year. It’s sort of like queer Fourth of July. The whole thing is about liberation, it’s always hot, everyone is wasted, and if you’re lucky you can watch some fireworks. Oh, and you can definitely get laid if you want.
That stuff’s great and all, but it doesn’t mean there aren’t some things about the day that could be improved upon. So, on the occasion of Pride Day—which is this weekend in New York and has been spreading its gay cancer throughout the country all month—here are some of the things I absolutely hate about it.
Gay men are stereotyped as having supreme decorative powers, and three lesbians could build a replica of the Taj Mahal out of vegan popsicle sticks if it was for a good cause. So how the hell did we get stuck with such a vulgar and garish symbol of our unity and freedom? And why must they be EVERYWHERE? It’s like drowning in a sea of unicorn vomit. Sure, the inverted pink triangle was the symbol that the Nazis put on homosexuals before gassing them, but even that is preferable to Roy G. Biv. We should have known, Roy is such a faggy name.
Yes, Pride is a sort of holiday for 10 percent of the population, but don’t tell people “Happy Pride,” like it’s Easter or Halloween or their birthday. Pride is gayer than Christmas, which at least gets a Merry. Can’t we get something a bit jazzier? “Werq Pride.” “Snap Pride!” Even a “It’s Pride, Grrrrrl.” Something.
All right, everyone, listen up. Just because you’re not currently lying on a beach does not mean you shouldn’t put on sunblock. You are going to be standing outside all day in a parade or cavorting in the street or dancing on a pier. Put on some damn SPF or you’re going to look like some white trash jet ski junkie come Monday morning. Oh, and this goes double if you’re wearing a tank top: the gay uniform for summer (including the lesbians and their ironic predilection for wife beaters). Your back is going to look like a scarlet A by the time you get home if you’re not careful.